A few months ago, in the middle of my maternity leave, I received an offer to review a new book..."How She Really Does It"..." by Wendy Sachs. I love a good read, and I'll eagerly snatch up anything on the topic of how working moms make it the world.
Author Wendy Sachs readily admits she has to work. She loves her profession (freelance television producer), but she also needs to make a financial contribution to her family. As I started to read the book, largely profiling what I'd call "high-visibility" working moms -- Soledad O' Brien, Vera Wang, Bobbi Brown, Anne Curry, Wendy Bellisimo -- I was starting to get a little irritated and well, snarky. Reading about how "tough" these ladies have it with their very successful carreers and having kids to care for as much as they can...and for the most part, money. Oodles and oodles of money. They could easily not work. But then the honesty factor: Am I jealous? Green with envy that I can't afford to not work?
And then more honesty: It shouldn't matter what they do...these are women who've worked incredibly hard to develop their careers and businesses. They're breaking glass ceilings. They're working their asses off. And they are moms. Why should they sacrifice one for the other? They shouldn't have to...and it's their choice. Their business. Not mine. My business? To be as supportive as I can to any mom, working or not, to stay sane, to have a life, to not be a martyr for the sake of being a martyr.
I ate this book up. At times I grew frustrated with the women profiled, but what it made me do was THINK and question my feelings about staying at work and staying at home, and "having it all."
Sachs profiles a lawyer, Christy Hubbard, in a chapter called "Letting go of perfect." And one single comment by Christy pretty much sums up what I think should be every woman's attitude about work and "mom-dom", and the difficult choices we make in life:
"If I didn't stand before God and make vows to you, if you didn't come from my womb or I didn't come from yours, then you don't get a vote.
I enjoyed Sach's writing, and continue to follow her stories through her blog, How she really does it. Some really great writing and thoughts. Check it out.
Note: I'd love to raffle this book off to my readers but Nolan happened to spill a glass of water on it. It's in good shape, so if you are interested in this copy post a comment. If I get more than five folks interested I'll have Nolan pick the name out of hat and it's YOURS.
Wendy also agreed to be profiled as part of the crazedparent five (thanks Wendy!). Enjoy!!!
cp: I thought Soledad O' Brien's comments about motherhood were the most honest of the book...that having it all depends on how you define "all." What's your definition of having it all? Are you there and if not, what will it take to get to your nirvana?
ws: I feel like my definition of "all" is constantly evolving. When I started researching my book three years ago, my son had just turned one, and I was eager to continue my career in TV news. I felt as though I was missing out on big stories, interesting assignments and that I had derailed my TV career because I had a baby. Now three years later, my son is four years old and I now also have a two-year-old daughter. My priorities have changed. It's now more important to me that I can pick up my kids from pre-school at least once a week or make it to soccer practice on a Tuesday afternoon than it is to be producing stories with Dateline NBC anchor Stone Phillips. I still think of myself as ambitious and extremely driven but I've realized that my "all" keeps changing and family time and control over my own schedule is very important to my sanity. Figuring out the balance is really an imperfect science, so as far as reaching my personal nirvana, I'm still not there yet. But I'm working at it.
cp: were there any moms you profiled whose comments took you by surprise?
ws: Not one person in particularly. But I was sort of surprised that the vast majority of women told me that they didn't feel guilty for working. started this book assuming that working moms all felt guilty for working because isn't that what the media is always telling us -- that working moms are strung out, exhausted and guilt ridden? What I discovered was that most working moms didn't feel guilty for working because most of these women financially had to work and truly enjoyed their careers. So they felt guilty not if they were working but if they were taking any time for themselves. I think that is telling. Mothers in our society are conditioned to be selfless. So if we're not taking care of our children and instead taking care of ourselves, then we feel guilty.
cp: I've noticed a huge uptick in the amount of stories and books being written aboutthe struggles of being a stay at work mom, stay at home mom, women not planning on working after college, etc. While I read these articles with great interest, I'm getting to the point where I'm about so say "Enough. We all sound like a bunch of whining chicks! We need to stop talking and start acting." What's your take on the glut of articles and do you think people are starting to get tired of it?
ws: The motherhood genre does seem to be a very crowded field these days. And yes, I think many moms are getting tired of the endless discussion and so-called whining. But clearly many of these articles strike a nerve with women. Our generation was led to believe that we could do it all. We were brought up in an age when girls were told they were just as good as boys if not better and no one really prepared us for the reality of motherhood. I think when many women get to the intersection of motherhood and career they hit a roadblock and don't know which way to turn. But I think you're absolutely right when you say we need to stop bitching and start taking action. It's up to us to demand more flexibility in the workforce. We need to prove how women can successfully weave in and out of their careers if they want to take some time off after they have babies. We need to demand change and make it happen.
cp: As your kids have grown, have you found being a 'stay at work' mom any easier or do you find the mommy guilt stays the same?
ws: I think some things get easier and other things get harder. Now that my son is in pre-k, is involved in a bunch of activities and is really a little person, he is much more determined to have me around. In many ways it's easier to leave babies at home with babysitters than it is to leave older children who really want you. On the other hand, now that he's in school half a day I feel less guilty about working because I know he's occupied and happy. But my daughter is only two and with her I'm often feeling guilty when I'm away. I try to carve out special time with her so she can have my undivided attention.
cp: What's the craziest moment you can recall in your parenting life?
ws: This is a tough one because I'm always declaring my parenting moments as utterly crazy and chaotic. But a couple of weeks ago, I was home taking a conference call with the CFO of a major financial institution. I was producing a video for the company and we were hashing over details of the edit. That day my babysitter's car had broken down and she wasn't able to come. As my daughter napped upstairs, my son told me he had to poop. He had been constipated for days so I was thrilled that he was ready to go. The only problem was that he insists on my telling him stories so that he can successfully poop on the potty. So I went into the bathroom carrying my portable phone, I pressed the mute button as the conference call to Seattle continued and began reciting the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. As my son grunted and moaned I prayed that my mute button was actually working. A few minutes later after we flushed I was back on the call. Thank God for technology!
cp: What's your method of maintaining some semblance of sanity as a parent?
ws: Hired help! I have a housekeeper who comes every other week (wish I could afford more) and she vacuums the dog hair and cleans my bathrooms and makes my house smell fresh. My children's babysitter does their laundry, tidies up the kitchen and helps keep their toys in order. A clean kitchen and clean clothes (at least for the kids) gives me some sanity -- that and drinking a glass of wine with girlfriends as often as possible.
