crazedparent

Last call...

Throw your name in the hopper for a copy of Wendy Sach's How She Really Does It. Give MommyGuilt a little competition...she's the first who posted a comment...I need two more interested folks for a viable contest here!! Post your comment by 5 pm PST today and we'll see how it goes.

TGIF...

Feel sorry for me, dear readers.

Nolan hasn't taken a nap in two days.  I knew this moment would come, when he would no longer need a blissful two hours of sleep every afternoon. When he'd say, "Adios, siesta."

But I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to give up my own quiet time. My writing time. "My" time.

He's been behaving really well, not running out of steam and getting cranky until close to bedtime. Which, by the way, is a nice compromise...no nap equals 7pm bedtime. I have to admit that I like it when he's up later. Lost naps means lost moments like those I so enjoy...our evenings sprawled out on the floor of the living room playing with legos or reading about the planets.

Alas, I think the nap train has left the station. And I now need to find a new shiny engine to get us to the next depot.

Choo choo.

More on infant potty training...

The infant potty training (infant elimination training, IET) discussion continues, this week with family psychologist John Rosemond. In his weekly column, he writes:

"In today’s Mommy Culture, the “bonder” is the Good Mommy. This, I suspect, is IET’s hook. Once upon a time, and not so very long ago, toilet training was simply and straightforwardly accomplished before a child’s second birthday. Since then, psychobabble has transformed it into a big deal that arouses great anxiety in mothers and results in children as old as 4 still wearing “Little Depends.” Infant elimination training only reinforces the wrongheaded notion that toilet training is a big deal. Toilet training an 18-month-old takes several days to several weeks, typically. With this age child, neither micromanagement nor a symbiotic relationship between mother and child is necessary. In fact, a mother can arrange an 18-month-old child’s environment such that he requires very little help from her where toileting is concerned. I am not persuaded that IET is a viable alternative to this sensible, relaxed, and traditional way of going about this teaching."

Rosemond's columns always strike a chord with me. I either love them or hate them. This one, I dig. I think he's right...IET does reinforce the notion that toilet training is this HUGE issue when, in fact, it's just a part of parenting and baby life. A right of passage. Why the big rush to get a baby out of diapers at a few months?  And why the need to place MORE stress on parents?

I'm guessing this is just the start of more "trend" pieces on IET. And by the way, why do we need to call it infant elimination training? We're trying to elminate that crap, not the infant. In the words of mr. nice guy, I'm just sayin'...

Jailhouse rock for babies...

I seriously had to read this headline a few times, hoping it was a joke: "Swedish dads may be able to keep babies behind bars."

But it's legit. Reuters reports that Sweden's prison system may let babies live in the bighouse with pops when "social services find it is in the child's best interests." In rare cases, babies live in the pen with mom, but only until they are one year old.

And a happy Thursday to you too.

 

Jacked up...

Typepad has jacked up the look of crazedparent this week so pardon the sickly look of the site. Ads, my reads and other links are mysteriously hidden at the bottom of the page. Since the help folks are not really, er, helping, no word on when it'll be fixed.

Patience, grasshopper, patience.

Crazedparent five: Wendy Sachs

A few months ago, in the middle of my maternity leave, I received an offer to review a new book..."How She Really Does It"..." by Wendy Sachs. I love a good read, and I'll eagerly snatch up anything on the topic of how working moms make it the world.

Author Wendy Sachs readily admits she has to work. She loves her profession (freelance television producer), but she also needs to make a financial contribution to her family. As I started to read the book, largely profiling what I'd call "high-visibility" working moms -- Soledad O' Brien, Vera Wang, Bobbi Brown, Anne Curry, Wendy Bellisimo -- I was starting to get a little irritated and well, snarky. Reading about how "tough" these ladies have it with their very successful  carreers and having kids to care for as much as they can...and for the most part, money. Oodles and oodles of money. They could easily not work. But then the honesty factor: Am I jealous? Green with envy that I can't afford to not work?

And then more honesty: It shouldn't matter what they do...these are women who've worked incredibly hard to develop their careers and businesses. They're breaking glass ceilings. They're working their asses off. And they are moms. Why should they sacrifice one for the other? They shouldn't have to...and it's their choice. Their business. Not mine. My business? To be as supportive as I can to any mom, working or not, to stay sane, to have a life, to not be a martyr for the sake of being a martyr.

I ate this book up. At times I grew frustrated with the women profiled, but what it made me do was THINK and question my feelings about staying at work and staying at home, and "having it all."

Sachs profiles a lawyer, Christy Hubbard, in a chapter called "Letting go of perfect." And one single comment by Christy pretty much sums up what I think should be every woman's attitude about work and "mom-dom", and the difficult choices we make in life:

"If I didn't stand before God and make vows to you, if you didn't come from my womb or I didn't come from yours, then you don't get a vote.

I enjoyed  Sach's writing, and continue to follow her stories through her blog, How she really does it.  Some really great writing and thoughts. Check it out. 

Note: I'd love to raffle this book off to my readers but Nolan happened to spill a glass of water on it. It's in good shape, so if you are interested in this copy post a comment. If I get more than five folks interested I'll have Nolan pick the name out of hat and it's YOURS.

Wendy also agreed to be profiled as part of the crazedparent five (thanks Wendy!). Enjoy!!!

cp: I thought Soledad O' Brien's comments about motherhood were the most honest of the book...that having it all depends on how you define "all." What's your definition of having it all? Are you there and if not, what will it take to get to your nirvana?

ws: I feel like my definition of "all" is constantly evolving. When I started researching my book three years ago, my son had just turned one, and I was eager to continue my career in TV news. I felt as though I was missing out on big stories, interesting assignments and that I had derailed my TV career because I had a baby. Now three years later, my son is four years old and I now also have a two-year-old daughter. My priorities have changed. It's now more important to me that I can pick up my kids from pre-school at least once a week or make it to soccer practice on a Tuesday afternoon than it is to be producing stories with Dateline NBC anchor Stone Phillips. I still think of myself as ambitious and extremely driven but I've realized that my "all" keeps changing and family time and control over my own schedule is very important to my sanity. Figuring out the balance is really an imperfect science, so as far as reaching my personal nirvana, I'm still not there yet.  But I'm working at it. 

cp: were there any moms you profiled whose comments took you by surprise?

ws: Not one person in particularly. But I was sort of surprised that the vast majority of women told me that they didn't feel guilty for working.   started this book assuming that working moms all felt guilty for working because isn't that what the media is always telling us -- that working moms are strung out, exhausted and guilt ridden? What I discovered was that most working moms didn't feel guilty for working because most of these women financially had to work and truly enjoyed their careers. So they felt guilty not if they were working but if they were taking any time for themselves. I think that is telling. Mothers in our society are conditioned to be selfless.  So if we're not taking care of our children and instead taking care of ourselves, then we feel guilty.

cp:  I've noticed a huge uptick in the amount of stories and books being written aboutthe struggles of being a stay at work mom, stay at home mom, women not planning on working after college, etc. While I read these articles with great interest, I'm getting to the point where I'm about so say "Enough. We all sound like a bunch of whining chicks! We need to stop talking and start acting." What's your take on the glut of articles and do you think people are starting to get tired of it?

ws: The motherhood genre does seem to be a very crowded field these days.  And yes, I think many moms are getting tired of the endless discussion and so-called whining. But clearly many of these articles strike a nerve with women. Our generation was led to believe that we could do it all. We were brought up in an age when girls were told they were just as good as boys if not better and no one really prepared us for the reality of motherhood. I think when many women get to the intersection of motherhood and career they hit a roadblock and don't know which way to turn. But I think you're absolutely right when you say we need to stop bitching and start taking action. It's up to us to demand more flexibility in the workforce.  We need to prove how women can successfully weave in and out of their careers if they want to take some time off after they have babies.  We need to demand change and make it happen.

cp:  As your kids have grown, have you found being a 'stay at work' mom any easier or do you find the mommy guilt stays the same?

ws: I think some things get easier and other things get harder. Now that my son is in pre-k, is involved in a bunch of activities and is really a little person, he is much more determined to have me around. In many ways it's easier to leave babies at home with babysitters than it is to leave older children who really want you. On the other hand, now that he's in school half a day I feel less guilty about working because I know he's occupied and happy.  But my daughter is only two and with her I'm often feeling guilty when I'm away. I try to carve out special time with her so she can have my undivided attention.

cp: What's the craziest moment you can recall in your parenting life?

ws: This is a tough one because I'm always declaring my parenting moments as utterly crazy and chaotic.  But a couple of weeks ago, I was home taking a conference call with the CFO of a major financial institution. I was producing a video for the company and we were hashing over details of the edit. That day my babysitter's car had broken down and she wasn't able to come. As my daughter napped upstairs, my son told me he had to poop. He had been constipated for days so I was thrilled that he was ready to go. The only problem was that he insists on my telling him stories so that he can successfully poop on the potty. So I went into the bathroom carrying my portable phone, I pressed the mute button as the conference call to Seattle continued and began reciting the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. As my son grunted and moaned I prayed that my mute button was actually working. A few minutes later after we flushed I was back on the call.  Thank God for technology!   

cp:  What's your method of maintaining some semblance of sanity as a parent?

ws: Hired help! I have a housekeeper who comes every other week (wish I could afford more) and she vacuums the dog hair and cleans my bathrooms and makes my house smell fresh. My children's babysitter does their laundry, tidies up the kitchen and helps keep their toys in order.  A clean kitchen and clean clothes (at least for the kids) gives me some sanity -- that and drinking a glass of wine with girlfriends as often as possible. 

Druggar family...baby drunk or just insane?...

I'm fairly certain most folks have heard about the Druggar family...the mom gave birth to baby number 16 last week. Oye. To each his own, I guess. But I found this column by Mark Morford (appeard in the SF Chronicle) to be utterly hysterical and a lil' bit true. I'd honestly love to print the whole column because it's just that good. Instead, I'll tease you with a few excerpts and hope you do read the full piece:

"I have a friend who used to co-babysit (yes, it required two sitters) for a family of 10 kids, and she reports that they were, almost without fail, manic and hyper and bewildered and attention deprived in the worst way, half of them addicted to prescription meds to calm their neglected nerves and the other half bound for years of therapy due to complete loss of having the slightest clue as to who they actually were, lost in the family crowd, just another blank, needy face at the table. Is this the guaranteed affliction for every child of very large families? Of course not. But I'm guessing it's more common than you imagine.

What's more, after the 10th kid popped out, the family doctor essentially prohibited the baby-addicted mother from having any more offspring, considering the pummeling endured by her various matronly systems, and it's actually painful to imagine the logistics, the toll on Michelle Duggar's body, the ravages it has endured to give birth to roughly one child per year for nearly two decades, and you cannot help but wonder about her body and its various biological and sexual ... no, no, it is not for this space to visualize frighteningly capacious vaginal dimensions. It is not for this space to imagine this couple's soggy sexual mutations. We do not have enough wine on hand for that."

AND...perhaps my favorite:

"Ah, but this is America, yes? People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their families if they can afford it and if it's within the law and so long as they aren't gay or deviant or happily flouting Good Christian Values, right? Shouldn't they? Hell, gay couples still can't openly adopt a baby in most states (they either lie, or one adopts and the other must apply as "co-parent"), but Michelle Duggar can pop out 16 kids and no one says, oh my freaking God, stop it, stop it now, you thoughtless, selfish, baby-drunk people."

Whaddya' think?

The family germs...

My editor at the SF Chron best said it today after an email exchange about the current rounds of colds, flus, general germ nastiness.

She wrote: "That's the thing about kids: petri dishes with feetses."

Every cold Nolan brings home, Quin gets it. And I get it, but with the added bonus of either bronchitis or a sinus infection. Works the same way every time. And pops? Healthy as can be, save for our battle with the vile creature last weekend. How the man manages to stay healthy on little sleep and working like maniacal fool is beyond me. I digress.

Kids really are petri dishes with feetses. They bring all those nasty germs home and then they run rampant on the rest of us. Flu shot? Please. My kids' germs laugh like giddy fools at the flu shot. (Hey, at least getting the flu would give me a valid reason for lying in bed all day having people cater to my every whim. Again, I digress).

Yet still, when my boys are sick, mocos streaming down their face, hacking up a lung, I'm holding them, kissing their little foreheads, helping Nolan blow his nose, being mama and making it all better.

But oh! I've washed my hands fifty billion times...I shouldn't get sick, right?

Riiiiiiight.

Naughty teacher?...

So Jenorama over at Blogging Baby posted today about an issue with her son's after-school teacher...apparently the teacher locked her boy in a room. Okay, so I'm appalled that a teacher would do that and so is Jenorama.

But how do you handle it?

Parental (and especially momma) instinct says yank your kid out of the class, get in the teacher's face, and report him/her to a supervisor/principal/school district. All while thinking "Your ass is SOOOOO FIRED."

Then there's little grown-up part where you have to get the other side of the story. I hate that part.

As part of CBS News "Study Hall" they just ran a story on what to do when your kid comes home telling you their teacher is misbeaving. Three simple steps...

-Get your facts straight.
-Don't be confrontational. Damn.
-Enlist the school's help

Do they work? I fortunately haven't had the need to use these tips yet...Nolan's only in preschool and hasn't had his teacher in his grill yet. But I'm sure it'll happen, and I'm sure I'll have to remind myself of the three-step rule. Otherwise I'd probably just go right up to his teacher and say, "Ya' wanna take this outside?"

We'll wait to hear what Jenorama end's up doing.

PT parenting...

A story from Arab News points to a survey that says parenting is a part time gig for the majority of Saudi parents. Arab News conducted the survey among 300 students asking several questions...from time spent with family and parents role in monitoring their child's performance.

A quote from one dad:

One parent, Mohammed Al-Hazza said that he had no time to look after his children. “Their mother can take care of them if she is not busy with shopping and visiting friends. My maidservant is there to make sure that all their needs are provided for.”

And what's pops do?

"...he goes to cafes to smoke sheesha, chats and watches satellite TV programs in groups."

Aha.

Anyway...the survey implies it's about "parents" but it seems to focus more on the dad. Or rather the lack of a dad in the family.