It's a new week and I'm kicking it off with a crazedparent five interview with two ladies who hate mom guilt as much as the rest of us. Not only do they despise it, they have some tips on how to deal with it. (But ladies, can you forever vanquish mom guilt? Because then you'd be Mommy Divas).
If you haven't "met" Devra Renner and Aviva Pflock, then you should. They run the parenting site Parentopia and are the authors of the book Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matter's Most & Raise Happier Kids.
I've never been one to lean towards any sort of parenting experts, but Devra and Aviva are, shall I say, different. Their book and website have a mellow approach...you don't feel like you've failed at parenting ten times over after reading five pages. In other words, imperfection is embraced and welcomed. What's not to love?
Without further ado, the crazedparent five with Devra (d) and Aviva (a).
cp: So I'm going to jump right into the tough stuff! What's your take on the the mommy wars? Do you think they exist or is it just a media play?
a: I have no doubt, working moms and stay at home moms exist who have some issues between them but I don’t think it is fair, or even necessary, to call the issues “wars.” I believe that mothers, for the most part, are supportive of each other. As moms, we all know the reality of our daily lives and the majority of us do understand how important it is to help one another because we all need help at some point!
d: Well, according to our Mommy Guilt survey of over 1300 parents, moms indicated about the same level of angst, regardless of employment status. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence nor is it decidedly more brown, so I would like to see us remove that fence which is often called “mommy wars” and focus on lawn care for everyone! I wish writers would refuse to take assignments with the mommy wars angle, and maybe if more people refused to be interviewed for those kinds of media features the mommy wars would no longer be a staple for media and books. Should we discuss the issues which parents are contending with and produce angst, absolutely but this can be accomplished without pitting parents against one another in books, media and elsewhere.
cp: Mom guilt...I think every mom can relate to it. What about dads? What would you say are some of the top issues that create dad guilt?
d: I think Dad’s pick up on mom guilt too and one of the top issues is not knowing how to “fix” a mom when she is overtaken by Mommy Guilt. Dads want to make it better, but often report feeling unsure of how to do it. The dads who have read our book have said it gave them help in figuring out how to best support the mom in their life. In fact, one dad said he was telling all his dad friends to read it with a highlighter! I think top issues for Dads, which also are ones for moms too, are trying to figure out how to spend time with family when work life is insane. Days don’t have enough hours for anyone. If it is the Dad at home with the kids, dealing with isolation is also an issue as moms who are home tend to gravitate to other moms. Dads find it tough to “break in.”
a: Dad guilt appears to be more driven by specific circumstances. Moms can lump all the negative feelings and situations related to motherhood together and call them guilt. Dads associate guilt with very specific situations and rarely label it guilt – men are more likely to use terms like frustration, anger, or simply feel bad. For example, a dad may get upset with himself for not being there when his child fell off the slide and broke his arm. A mom may feel guilty about everything from letting her child play with a particular friend to letting her child climb the ladder in that same scenario.
cp: Tell me about your seminars related to Mommy Guilt. What do you cover and give us a sense of your attendees...
d: In the past we have presented our seminar to an intimate group of 5 and in the near future we will be participating in an audio conference which will be downloaded by tens of thousands. No audience is too big or too small. We’ve done formal seminars, and we have done ones that feel more akin to a stand up routine. Mainly, it is the attendees who dictate the kind of seminar we present as we ask audience participation. We believe attendees get much more out of a seminar if they have an opportunity to put something in too. We like everyone to come away feeling energized, relaxed and ready to enjoy their parenting even more.
a: Our seminars cover anything and everything related to children or family life. We have talked with parents, teachers, childcare providers, health professionals, grandparents… Anyone who has contact with children or those who care for them in any respect! Our topics have covered dealing with childcare issues, parents working together to present a united front to their children, generalized guilt associated with parenting, grandparenting, raising children under unusually stressed circumstances, and so much more.
cp: What's the craziest moment you've experience as a parent so far?
a: I don’t know if it is necessarily the “craziest moment” but it was a real eye opener for me. When I was a preschool teacher and had 2 children of my own – one in kindergarten, the other in 3rd grade – I realized I was rushing my own kids around in a very unpleasant manner in order to get to work where I would then be extremely kind and patient with other people’s children. I decided to quit the teaching job.
d: The moment my husband persuaded me to agree to the purchase of a minivan. Never did I believe I would drive such a thing, let alone buy one. Sad to admit, it has been a sanity saver as I am an only child and never had to deal with sitting next to a sibling in a car. I am quite thankful for third row seating!
cp: How do you stay sane?
a: When my children were all elementary school age or younger, I made it very clear that if they were still awake past 8:00 at night, they would have a very grouchy mom to deal with. I was done being mom at 8:00 and on to being wife and woman only. Now that my kids are older (and staying up later) I have taken on exercising early in the morning – sometimes my husband joins me, sometimes he doesn’t. In addition, I have my own favorite hobby of singing and performing. I joined a community choir when my oldest was 5 and have been doing it for the past 9+ years now. No matter what is going on (short of a real emergency), I leave my house at 6:30 (or earlier) every Tuesday night and leave the world of my family behind. It gives me a great feeling of accomplishment to be involved with this organization and allows my family to see another side of me. The kids love coming to the performances and have even been bit by the acting bug themselves.
d: Mainly I drink. (charlene coughs up her own martini) Oh wait, no. Sometimes I drink. But more often I try to figure out who among me is ready to hear my rant or angst and then I go to that person. I think finding someone to talk to when things feel insane, really keeps me sane. Whether that person is my husband, my friends or even the bank teller, finding someone to talk to is vital. I think this too, contributes to why some parents blog, it helps them to find support fairly quickly if no one else is around. I know it may also come as a big surprise that I also turn to my sense of humor and try to find something to make me laugh, whether it be a book, movie, TV show or something silly my kids are doing.
Sage advice from two moms who know what they're taking about.
Thanks to Devra and Aviva for particiating in the crazedparent five! And if you'd like to check out previous players, click here.
